Happy Birthday Dear

I’ve lived in this wonderful country (I mean it, by the way) for 18 years, and I came here as an impressionable tween, but the level of familiarity in the American culture and the blurred line of respect for superiors and elders still feels slightly foreign. It has been argued that unlike Russian, Spanish, or French, the English “you” is actually an equivalent of “vous” and there is no informal “you.”

Bullshit.

Even if this were ever true, the modern-day American English knows no “vous.” You are you, your mother is you, the president is you – y’all are yous. We’ve leveled the playing field in that respect and there is certainly some value in this custom. My view was recently reinforced when driving in the deep suburbs bordering upstate New York. We were passing a store called “The Christian Living Store.” I wouldn’t have batted an eye had they not displayed an enormous banner visible from all angles of the highway that read “Happy Birthday Jesus.”

Not a believer myself (you’d be shocked to find out), I felt a little uncomfortable for Jesus and embarrassed for some of his constituents. Seems like the evangelicals are on a first name basis with Jesus, which is a little strange. Sounds like Jesus is a pal or at least the dude sharing the cubicle wall with you. That’s where I relate more to the Catholics, keeping it formal, not real. This whole intimate friendship with Jesus is very disconcerting, kind of like having a friend who has an imaginary friend past the age when it is endearing.

I recently made a new Russian-speaking acquaintance and we had a brief moment where one inquired if we can switch to addressing each other informally. Certainly, let’s go for it, I am hip like that. My mother, on the other hand, has declined her bosses’ requests to switch to the informal form (she is not hip like that). The combination of addressing someone by his/her first name but in the “vous” form has a special flavor, like expressing ultimate good will mixed with sincere feelings of respect. Often the first name takes a diminutive form and turns into something faintly nauseating like “Marinochka, would you be so kind as to pass the teapot.” An interaction like that usually entails way too many “pleases” and “thank yous” but it is far less uncomfortable than witnessing someone wishing Jesus a Happy Birthday.

I guess another cultural barrier that I have is that Russians never just wish a Happy Birthday! We always follow it with specific wishes for health, happiness, success in personal and professional lives, luck, etc. I generally wish for someone’s dreams to come true and I also wish people whatever they wish for themselves (I am terribly awkward and uncreative). So I wonder what the Happy Birthday Jesus! would be followed by, what specific wishes or directives…

Perhaps Jesus is so close of a friend, they can joke around and follow it by one of these suggested hilarities (I googled “happy birthday wishes” and stumbled upon these, among many other gems):

1. "There is a really smart, rich, and famous person who was born today. Too bad it wasn't you. Maybe it will be next year. Happy birthday."

2. "You didn't get older, you became more distinguished. I can tell by your silver crown. Happy Birthday!"

3. "No matter how old you get, I don't think you'll ever grow up. Happy birthday."

4. "I'm sorry we couldn't put the candles on your cake. There were too many to meet fire code. Safety first! Especially at your age."

5. "Just think, in a few years I won't have to give you anything for your birthday because you'll forget what day it is. Happy Birthday, while you still remember."

6. "You say you want to stop having birthdays, but the people who have stopped don't seem to be doing as well as you. Count your blessings. Happy birthday."

7. "I would make fun of your age, but there are so many other things that are more fun to make fun of you for. Happy birthday."

Feel free to leave you belated birthday wish to Jesus here, I'll pass it along.